After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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