Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
