Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
