Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Randomize
