So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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