last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
