my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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