mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
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