I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.