My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Betty ford says i'm here all night
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
