Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
