my phone needs a breathalizer
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
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