He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
sarcasm needs its own font
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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