I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
