if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
