There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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