so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
