I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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