I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
