Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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