my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
