I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
