im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
