Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Send help, water and tortillas.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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