Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
