the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
