could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
