apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
