It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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