I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
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Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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