I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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