and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
