she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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