You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
