now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
