I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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