Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
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