Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Randomize
