My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
