Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
