man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
the condom got lost in my hair
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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