So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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