White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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