my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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