you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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