happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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