You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
