Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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