just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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