I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
