Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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