You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize