Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
