The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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